


Looking Back

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-08-20
Updated: 2002-08-20
Packaged: 2019-05-15 08:05:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14786651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: This is AU, but addresses events that happen in,On The Day BeforeandWar Crimes. Six years in the future. Donna looks back over the last six years, and the events that caused a turning point in her relationship with Josh.





	1. Looking Back

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Looking Back**

**by:**   


**Category/Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Written:** November 2001 **Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Josh and Donna belong to A. Sorkin and his merry band of followers.  
**Summary:** This is AU, but addresses events that happen in , " _On The Day Before_ ", and " _War Crimes_ ". Six years in the future. Donna looks back over the last six years, and the events that caused a turning point in her relationship with Josh .  
**Author Notes:** Special thanks go out to Mary Dell for the inspiration she gave me with her post-ep fic- "I've Got A Plan", and for allowing me to use certain events that she created. Thanks Mary, for getting me writing again! Extra Special Thanks go out to Shelley, for being there when I need her. For telling me what I need to hear, and doing what she does so well. YOU ROCK, SISTER!! 

* * *

Donna walked into the living room and set her cup of tea on the corner of the coffee table. She snuggled down into a corner of the sofa with a contented sigh. It had been a long day, and she was happy and relieved to finally be in for the evening. Her last appointment of the day had been at the hair salon, which should have been relaxing, but it wasn't. It had been her typical monthly struggle with the stylist over cutting her hair. She had put an end to it as she usually did. She gave the woman a knowing smile, and said simply, for what seemed like the hundredth time, " My husband likes it this way.". The stylist had rolled her eyes in disgust and went on to give her the same simple trim that she did every month. Donna smiled to herself as she thought about it. If only all of life's little battles could be taken care of that neatly.

Taking a sip of her tea, she wrapped her hands around the warm cup and felt the last chill of the early November evening leave her. She was warm and content in her home, and miracle of all miracles- it was quiet. That was a rather rare occurrence. Donna decided to take advantage of it and do something that she hadn't done in a very long time. She reached into the small shopping bag she had left on the floor beside her, and pulled out the blank journal she had picked up at the book store on her way home. She ran her hand over the cover, as her thoughts traveled back to another time, another diary. That was six years before... was it really that long ago? Yes...just a little over six years. A lot had happened in those intervening years. That had really been a turning point in her life. After that, so many things had changed...

**Six years ago-**

Josh and Donna sat on the park bench waiting for Cliff Calley- Republican lawyer and slick guy extraordinaire, to return from devouring every detail of her personal life that had occurred in the last two years. Josh had just finished telling her it would be alright. Maybe it would, but she wouldn't bet the house on it. That diary felt like a ticking time bomb in Cliff's hands, and she realized that she had been the one to put it there- not literally, Josh had done that- but she had put him in the position to know about it. She should have known it was coming.

In the very early hours of the morning, when she had woken, full of regret and sadness, to find Cliff rummaging around her room. She had passed it off as him trying to make a quick exit while she slept. Not particularly gentlemanly, but it wasn't the first time it had happened to her. Men, in her past experience, hated the morning after. Not that she'd had much experience of late... Still, she should have known. All the pieces should have fallen into place the minute she found out that House Oversight was taking over the investigation. She should have known that he was rummaging around for dirt that night. She should have remembered her diary lying on her desk. She didn't. Not until she was asked- ‘do you keep a diary?'. It hit her in a flash. In that fraction of a second after the question was asked, she remembered Cliff standing by her desk as she had rolled over and opened her eyes. He had his shirt on and his tie draped around his neck, his trousers in his hand. He had just been standing there, but he had turned when he heard her stir. She should have noticed the slightly guilty, ‘caught' look that passed over his face, just before he made a stilted comment about having to leave. She had thought then that his guilt was over wanting to sneak away. She remembered wanting to tell him not to feel guilty...she wanted him gone just as badly as he wanted to leave- maybe more. Now she knew why he had looked guilty. He had been caught gathering information.

All that was left was for him to ask the question...or have it asked for him. She had said no. She had denied keeping a diary. He had asked to have the question read back. She wondered whether he had really been trying to give her an out, or did he just want it on record that she had been given the opportunity to change her answer, and had stuck with the lie. At that moment, she had thought, ‘go ahead, and call my bluff- then explain *how* you know I'm lying.'. Then later, she arrived at her apartment, only to find that he had arrived there first. He stood there, spouting criminal codes, telling her that they could ‘walk this back'. Walk it back...that was rich! Walk back him showing up at her apartment with his agenda all planned out. Because she knew- she knew now- that he had known all about the impending conflict of interest. She hadn't rolled into town yesterday, and she knew that if he knew about his transfer to the Oversight committee that he damn well knew why. Josh had told her that night, after the announcement, that the House Oversight Committee was taking over the investigation, that CJ had worked the press and the boys on the Hill like a pro. That meant the rumble had started there before the official announcement was made. That meant that Cliff knew that night...and still he had showed up.

Donna thought about the fact that she had been a fool over a man before- Dr. Freeride was certainly an example of that. She really thought she'd grown past that kind of mistake...apparently she'd still had one big one left to make. Well, this was it. She was done. The thing was - where did that leave her? Could she ever live in this town and have a relationship with a man that she could trust? Was it possible? She glanced at Josh, and couldn't help but wish for the way it had been before all of this. At least before, with all the complications and ambiguities between them, he had trusted her. How could he ever trust her now?

Cliff had finally returned with her diary. She had stayed on the park bench, unable to stand looking at him after the things he had read. She felt so raw...so open at that moment. She couldn't stand the thought of looking at him when she was feeling that vulnerable. Josh had walked over and met him by the fountain. He and Cliff had exchanged a few words and then Josh had watched him leave and then returned to where she sat. She couldn't look up for the longest time, but she knew Josh was standing there, in front of her. Finally he reached out his hand to her and said, "Come on, Donna. Let's get out of the cold."

Out of the cold... that sounded good. Just where could she go to accomplish that? Pushing away her maudlin thoughts, she took Josh's hand. As she stood, their eyes met. She saw so much in his eyes she wasn't sure what exactly she was seeing- it was all mixed up, emotions tumbling over each other. She saw hurt and tenderness, blame and forgiveness, betrayal and loyalty, and something else...but she couldn't identify it. It was there and gone just that quickly.

He drove her home, and just as she was getting out of the car, Josh reached over and took her hand. She looked at their joined hands and then at his face.

" It's going to be alright, Donna. I meant that. I'll make sure of it."

" Josh...you don't owe me-," she broke off her protestations at the expression on Josh's face.

" Yes...yes, I do. I meant what I said, and I always keep my promises."

Unable to say anything at that moment, Donna nodded, and with regret, pulled her hand away. She heard Josh sigh deeply, and then he placed the diary in her lap.

"He's not going to pursue anything regarding the diary," Josh said.

" That doesn't mean he won't use the things he read to ask other questions," Donna replied, her voice barely above a whisper.

" Donna...if that happens... well, it happens."

" It's not right."

" Yeah, well- we can't do anything about that. All we can do is take care of each other the best way we can, and get past it."

Donna nodded again, unable to speak past the lump in her throat. The way Josh was reacting to all this really touched her, but she couldn't help but wonder if they would ever get back to where they were before this mess. She supposed only time would tell...

 

Donna brushed away the tears that fell as she thought back over what had happened all those years ago. It had been a real turning point between her and Josh. After that, things had changed. Not right away- it had been subtle at first, then one day it had hit her. They had been unable to get back to that place that they had been before. That whole interlude with Cliff and the diary had changed things irrevocably. 


	2. Looking Back 2

**Looking Back**

**by:** Brandy  


**Category/Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Written:** November 2001 **Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Josh and Donna belong to A. Sorkin and his merry band of followers.  
**Summary:** This is AU, but addresses events that happen in, " _On The Day Before_ ", and " _War Crimes_ ". Six years in the future. Donna looks back over the last six years, and the events that caused a turning point in her relationship with Josh .  
**Author Notes:** Special thanks go out to Mary Dell for the inspiration she gave me with her post-ep fic- "I've Got A Plan", and for allowing me to use certain events that she created. Thanks Mary, for getting me writing again! Extra Special Thanks go out to Shelley, for being there when I need her. For telling me what I need to hear, and doing what she does so well. YOU ROCK, SISTER!! 

* * *

Donna opened the blank diary and picked up her favorite pen. It was one of those thick, old-fashioned Parkers that felt so good in your hand, and put ink on the page so smoothly. It had been her grandmothers pen. The one she used for her personal correspondence, and of course, her diary. Her grandmother was the one who had encouraged Donna to keep a diary in the first place, giving her one for her eleventh birthday. She told Donna that diaries were very important, because they were the one place you could say anything. It could be the repository of your darkest fears, and your fondest dreams. It was the silent and trustworthy holder of your secrets- all the things that you couldn't bear to share with another living soul. To her grandmother, it was a sacred thing.

Six years ago, she had to hand over her most private, intimate thoughts to the last person she wanted to share them with. Some might consider it odd. She had shared her body with this man, but was devastated at the thought of sharing her thoughts and words with him? It went much deeper than that, though. Her very heart and soul existed on those pages that he was examining. Not to mention the fact that the only reason he knew about them sprang from a betrayal of trust. No...not really a betrayal- more of an invasion of her trust.

It was strange, but this diary was supposed to be the beginning of an examination of a whole new chapter in her life. So far, all she had done was

think about the past. Maybe that was the way it was supposed to happen. It was possible that she needed to examine that part of her past in these pages before she could move on. It was, after all, what had brought her to this part of her life. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, it was a small event- but at the time, it had seemed huge unconquerable, in fact.

**Six years ago...**

Donna sat in the dark, in her living room, her diary clutched in her hands. She didn't think she'd ever be able to write in it again. It didn't even look the same to her now. She didn't want to throw it away, but... she wasn't sure what she wanted to do with it. She wished that if anyone had to read what was written in those pages, that it had been Josh. The thought of him reading what it contained made her cringe a little. There were things in it about him, things she wasn't quite sure she was prepared for him to know- things he might never want to know, now. Still- if it had been Josh reading her diary she wouldn't feel so...violated? Maybe that wasn't the right word, but it came very close to describing how she felt while Cliff had been reading it. If Josh had read it, it would have been revealing. When Cliff read it- well.. It was simply invasive. She wished Josh had been the one to read it- she even told him that. So much for wishes. For that matter, so much for hopes...and dreams...and desires.

‘Oh, the hell with it!', she thought, and walked over to the other side of the room, grabbing the metal wastebasket that sat in the corner. She took it, and her diary, into the bathroom. She stopped on the way, to grab a pack of matches from the kitchen counter. Once she was in the bathroom, she placed the wastebasket in the bathtub, flipped on the vent switch, and sat on the edge of the tub. Taking a deep breath, she opened her diary and, wishing she could cover her ears to mute the sound, began to tear the pages out one by one . She had dropped several into the wastebasket when she picked up the matches and struck one. She looked at the flame, then at the pages in the can. She could stop. She could blow out the flame, retrieve the pages, and stuff them back between the covers of her diary. She could- but she wouldn't. Taking another deep breath, she closed her eyes and tossed the match into the can. She opened her eyes, and watched as the pages caught, barely aware of the tears that were falling as she dropped each new page into the can. The odd thing was that with each page she tore away, the memories were renewed. Some stronger than others. Some would burn forever in her mind, long after the pages that contained them were nothing but ashes. She finally got to those pages in October- the fourth and fifth to be exact. Her hand hesitated and fell away. No- of all the pages contained in the diary- those would remain. If Cliff ever changed his mind about the diary, he would get the only part of it that he had any right to. She put the diary, with it's few remaining pages aside, and watched as the rest turned to ash. When there was nothing left to burn, she impatiently brushed her tears aside and walked out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She'd deal with the mess later.

She started to go to her bedroom, but changed her mind and returned to the living room instead. She pulled the afghan off of the back of the sofa and, wrapping it around her, she laid down, desperately hoping that she could escape everything for a while and get some sleep. It really didn't surprise her that she couldn't manage to stop her restless mind from recalling any number of things that she really couldn't bear to think of right then. Like Josh. She lay there, wrapped in the afghan she had thrown over Josh, on the odd occasion when he had shown up at her apartment, worse for the wear that he had put on his 'delicate system'. She always made out like it was a big inconvenience when he dropped in like that, but really, she thought it was kind of sweet, in a dumb way. Of all the places that he could seek sanctuary, he always seemed to turn to her. Oh, she knew she should think that it was a big imposition and Josh was just taking advantage of her. That it wasn't in her job description to take care of him during his occasional bout of drunkenness . The thing was, she and Josh weren't the typical boss and assistant- they were friends...at least they had been. At the very least, they had been friends. Now- well, she just wasn't sure what they were.

She pulled the afghan closer around her. It was silly, she knew, but it almost felt like having Josh close to her. A pale substitute, but all things considered- it was the best she had.

 

Donna shook her head, almost as if she could shake the memories out as she did. What a dark time that had been. She remembered the days after she had taken that defiant leap of burning her diary. She had gone back and forth at least a hundred times over the decision to do it. One moment she cursed the impetuosity of doing such a thing- mourning the loss of what she had written there as well as wondering what would happen if Cliff changed his mind about the diary. The next moment she would be glad she had taken such a bold, decisive step and if Cliff changed his mind, then he could just have those pages that were left.

She had never told Josh what she had done. He seemed to have closed the book, so to speak, on the diary issue that night he dropped her off at her apartment. They both had plenty to keep them busy in the days that followed, and it wasn't until right before Christmas that she started to wonder about certain little changes in Josh's behavior toward her. They were so minor, so subtle, that at first she had just brushed them off as her imagination. That was, until she told Josh that she was taking a couple of weeks off to spend some time back home, in Wisconsin. He didn't whine, he didn't complain- he didn't say a thing other than to make sure she had someone cover for her and to tell her to have a good trip. It was so unlike him that she actually asked him if he was sure. She told him that she could always make it a shorter trip, or even postpone if he needed her there. He had had smiled, a kind of a wistful smile, and told her it would be fine. He even told her again to have a good trip, and enjoy herself. He told her that he'd be fine while she was gone. It was then, right at that moment, that she knew things would never be the same.


	3. Looking Back 3

**Looking Back**

**by:** Brandy  


**Category/Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Written:** November 2001 **Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Josh and Donna belong to A. Sorkin and his merry band of followers.  
**Summary:** This is AU, but addresses events that happen in, " _On The Day Before_ ", and " _War Crimes_ ". Six years in the future. Donna looks back over the last six years, and the events that caused a turning point in her relationship with Josh .  
**Author Notes:** Special thanks go out to Mary Dell for the inspiration she gave me with her post-ep fic- "I've Got A Plan", and for allowing me to use certain events that she created. Thanks Mary, for getting me writing again! Extra Special Thanks go out to Shelley, for being there when I need her. For telling me what I need to hear, and doing what she does so well. YOU ROCK, SISTER!! 

* * *

Donna thought back to that Christmas vacation and remembered clearly the mixed emotions she had felt. It was great to be able to see family and old friends, to reconnect to where she had come from, but as a new and different person. She recognized during that time that, regardless of the knocks life had given her recently, she wasn't the same person she had been when she left to join the campaign. In a lot of ways, she was much more self-assured, more determined. 

She spent a lot of time with the older woman during those two weeks. Her grandmother had taken one look at her and said, "Girl, your mind is just too full. You need something to do.". She had promptly put Donna to work in the kitchen, kneading dough for all the different loaves that her grandmother put in her Christmas baskets. Donna had rolled up her sleeves and did as she was told. It wasn't the first time her grandmother had employed this particular brand of physical therapy with her. Grandma was of the opinion that there was no problem so complex that it couldn't be worked out while a person was kneading bread dough.

So, Donna spent the majority of her vacation surrounded by the smell of baking bread, the warmth of the fire coming from her Grandma's wood stove ,and her troubled thoughts. It was a few nights before she was due to leave that her grandmother finally asked her what was bothering her.

"It's too hard to explain, Grandma," Donna replied.

"That either means you don't want to talk about it, or you don't know what you want".

"It's complicated..."

"Do I look simple to you, child?"

"No, Grandma. You know I don't think that. It's just... I did something a while back. I did it thinking it wouldn't make any difference to anyone but me- but it did. It changed everything. Now nothing's the same."

"Things change all the time. They should. It's like nature, and the seasons. If things don't change and grow, they wither and die- or they weren't living to begin with."

"I liked things the way they were...well, not exactly- but I liked it better than the way things are now."

"Donnatella, I think you need to stop talking in riddles and tell me exactly what the nature of your problem is. Otherwise you'll leave here as discontented as you were when you arrived."

Donna sighed and told her grandmother a slightly edited version of the events of the last few months. She didn't tell her that a large part of the problem came from the feelings she had for Josh, and the idea that at one time he may have possibly had similar feelings for her. It was hard enough to admit that to herself. She really didn't need to, though. Her grandmother knew Donna far too well to need to have that particular fact spelled out for her. It was in Donna's eyes, and her voice, every time she mentioned Josh. Her grandmother was also fairly sure that whatever feelings Josh had once had were still there. Still, she didn't think the best way to tackle this particular problem was to explain that to Donna. It would work out much better if she figured it out for herself. Feelings that strong and complicated didn't just disappear overnight.

"So.. You say he's mad at you?" her grandmother asked.

"Well, no. He doesn't act like it. In a lot of ways he acts just the same as he always has," Donna replied, trying to figure out a way to explain the difference. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world to explain the complexities of her relationship with Josh.

"Well, you said he treated you differently. How?"

"He doesn't expect me to stay until all hours of the night anymore. I mean, I don't exactly keep nine to five hours, but he tells me I can go home a lot earlier, and much more often, than he used to."

"I thought you told me that the reason you never got a chance to have any free time was because you were always working?"

"I did- but I understood...well, sort of. I mean I work in the White House, and the work that Josh does is important, and a lot of times very time consuming."

"I understand that, Donnatella- but other people work there too. Don't they?"

"Of course, Grandma. It's just...well Josh has always relied pretty heavily on me."

"He doesn't now?"

"He does...just not as much," Donna replied, somewhat miserably. ‘Ahh...' her grandmother thought, ‘now we're getting to the crux of the problem.'

"What else?" Grandma asked.

"He doesn't expect me to do little personal things for him anymore." Her grandmother arched her brow and gave Donna a curious, somewhat amused, look.

"Personal things? Like what?"

"Well...we had this formal dinner the other week- black tie...and Josh has never been able to tie a bow tie. I always end up doing it for him. Of course, he always tugs at it and messes with it, so that I end up having to re-do it. Either that or he wears this snap -on bow tie...but he doesn't really like that," Donna trailed off, thinking of the last time she had done Josh's tie for him. It was the night she had to tell him about the date with Cliff. They had a very nice little moment, standing by his desk. She was adjusting his tie and straightening his collar, and he was rambling on about Tony Bennett, and just for a second...there was something in his eyes. Then his phone was ringing and they were back to business.

"So, what did he do for a tie?" her grandmother asked, valiantly trying to hide her amusement.

"I guess he did it himself...or found someone else to do it for him," Donna replied, trying very hard not to sound as pitiful as she felt. Why should she care if Josh had finally managed to do something for himself?

"Well, that's certainly evidence of something," Grandma observed with a little shake of her head. All the while she was thinking to herself that young people certainly could be stupid sometimes. Donna gave her an odd look, and then shook her head.

"I told you, Grandma, it's complicated."

"It's only complicated because you're making it that way."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Donnatella, that you've been spending a lot of time saying you want one thing, and all the while you really want something else."

"Now who's talking in riddles, Grandma?"

"Don't be sassy and I'll tell you."

"Sorry, Grandma."

"You're forgiven. Now, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to think about what I ask and how you answer. Okay?"

"Okay."

"You say that Josh used to keep you with him, at the office until all hours? That whenever you had plans he would find some reason for you to stay. That he used to rely on you to do all sorts of little things for him? Is that right?"

"That's right."

"You say that, despite all that, you ended up going out with this lawyer fellow- somebody that deep down you knew Josh would have a problem with... is that right, too?"

"Yes, Grandma...but that's not why... I mean-"

"Don't interrupt your grandmother, Donnatella. It's not good manners."

"Yes, Grandma."

"You go on to say that after all that happened, he helped you out when you told that lie about your diary. But you're telling me that after all that, he started acting different toward you. That right, too?"

"Yes, that's pretty much the way it happened."

Her grandmother sat back in her rocking chair and just looked at Donna for the longest time, then she smiled and said, "Donna, did it ever occur to you that he's trying to give you some room and time to figure out what you really want? He's not holding you close all the time because he wants you to figure out what you want, all on your own- without doing something foolish. Did you ever think of it that way?"

Donna sat there, eyes wide, taking in what her grandmother had said. Part of her desperately wanting to believe it, another part thinking it was just silly. Her grandmother couldn't possibly know the meaning behind Josh's actions towards her. She'd never even met him. She couldn't possibly be right.

Her grandmother watched the emotions that ran across Donna's face as she digested what had been said, and she could tell that Donna was trying to talk herself out of believing it. She walked over to where Donna sat and patting her hand said, "Before you spend too much time arguing with yourself, remember this- inside every man is a little boy, afraid of rejection. Doesn't matter how big they act, or how they bluster- if they care about someone, that little boy is always there."

With that, she kissed Donna on the top of her head and bid her goodnight.

Donna sat the pen and her diary aside. She recalled how she had returned from her vacation even more confused than when she left. But there was one small part of her that dared to hope. Josh welcomed her back from her vacation, asking if she had enjoyed herself. She told him that she had, and related a few amusing stories about some old friends she had run into. Josh listened, and then told her about a few things that had happened while she was gone. One funny story in particular involving Sam, reindeer antlers and one of ‘Santa's helpers' at a Christmas party they had gone to. It was a nice, friendly moment between them- a partial return to the way things had been before.

During the next few months, Donna had very little time to think about her grandmother's theory. They were all incredibly busy with the continuing nonsense related to the hearings, campaign strategy and the day-to-day business of running a country. One day in February, though, Donna was surprised to see a florist approaching her desk. He was carrying a small bouquet, and as he drew closer, Donna recognized the flowers. They were ‘forget-me-nots' . The card read simply, ‘Happy Anniversary, Josh'. 


	4. Looking Back 4

**Looking Back**

**by:** Brandy  


**Category/Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Written:** November 2001 **Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Josh and Donna belong to A. Sorkin and his merry band of followers.  
**Summary:** This is AU, but addresses events that happen in, " _On The Day Before_ ", and " _War Crimes_ ". Six years in the future. Donna looks back over the last six years, and the events that caused a turning point in her relationship with Josh .  
**Author Notes:** Special thanks go out to Mary Dell for the inspiration she gave me with her post-ep fic- "I've Got A Plan", and for allowing me to use certain events that she created. Thanks Mary, for getting me writing again! Extra Special Thanks go out to Shelley, for being there when I need her. For telling me what I need to hear, and doing what she does so well. YOU ROCK, SISTER!! 

* * *

Donna got up to make herself another cup of tea, smiling as she passed a framed picture hanging in the hallway. It was taken right after the second Bartlet Inauguration. Sam, Josh, CJ, and herself were standing in the bullpen, grouped tightly together, their noses still red from the bitterly cold January day, jubilant smiles plastered on their faces. Each held a paper cup which she knew contained champagne and had ‘4 MORE!' scribbled on the side in red and blue markers. Donna remembered it was their own impromptu, post- inauguration celebration. Leo and Toby had joined them a little later, but just then, it had been the four of them, leaning into each other- weary, but exhilarated. It had been a wonderful day. The culmination of months and months of grueling work and unending optimism in the face of staggering odds. They had done it though, and it had given them the energy and purpose to really push some of the initiatives they had put on the back-burner in the wake of the MS investigations and the campaign. It had been a time of rolling up their sleeves and getting down to the business, of doing the best they had ever done. It had also been a time of discovery.

Donna had decided to make time two evenings a week and take classes at Georgetown. It was never more than one or two a semester, but she made it a priority, and she always did well. At first, the only one who knew anything about it was CJ. She had encouraged Donna from the beginning, saying that it was an excellent idea to finish her degree. Donna had discovered that her wandering attention during her previous academic career had transferred well into the split majors of political science and communications. When CJ had teased Donna about having designs on her job as press secretary, Donna had laughed it off.

"No way! I want Toby's job."

She remembered the day that Josh found out that she had been taking classes. It was actually very funny in retrospect. At the time it really didn't seem like it though. It had been one of those funny little misunderstandings ...

**Four years ago...**

It had been a crazy week. One of those weeks when Donna wished she had the ability to clone herself and send all the replicas to do her work while she took a much deserved nap. She had to deal with mid-terms, a huge research paper,and a seemingly never-ending amount of research on a huge policy initiative that Josh was working on. Then, just to put the icing on the cake, her mother had called to try to enlist her support to get her grandmother to move out of her house and into a retirement community. Donna didn't agree with her mother, and they ended up having a rather long, acrimonious argument, resulting in some regrettable remarks on both sides. Donna was having a hard time getting the argument with her mother out of her head, and it was resulting in a lot of tension that she really didn't need right now.

She was already under a lot of pressure, wondering about her grade on her International Relations mid-term. It was extremely important that she make an exceptional grade on it in order to get the recommendation she needed. She had been waiting, one eye on the phone, all day for a call from a classmate of hers. He was supposed to let her know as soon as the grades were posted. So, when Josh came strolling out of office and informed her that he needed her to go across town and run an errand for him, she wanted to beat him over the head with a blunt object until he went away.

"Does it have to be now?" Donna asked, doing a remarkable imitation of Josh's whine.

"Yeah...why?" he asked, without a great deal of interest. He figured she was just protesting for the sake of doing it, and didn't actually have a reason.

"Because... I'm waiting for... Oh, never mind! I'll go. This better not take long," Donna grumbled.

"It won't. I'll see you later," Josh replied and breezed back into his office.

‘Sure', Donna thought, ‘ You can afford to be Mr. Carefree... it's not your future hanging in the balance.' . She grabbed her purse and left to do as Josh asked.

When she returned an hour and a half later she saw Josh pacing around in his office. ‘Oh goody', Donna thought, ‘this can only mean that he's had some sort of Josh-crisis that I have to fix, and it has to be done five minutes ago.' Rolling her eyes, she tossed her purse into her desk drawer and waited for him to descend on her. It took a grand total of ninety seconds before he spotted her and came running.

"Where've you been?"

"I was running your errand," she replied, giving him a pointed look.

"For this long?" he all but screeched.

"I got stuck on Dupont Circle- what do want from me? You get stuck there sometimes too."

"I need to talk to you. In my office..."

"What's up?" she asked, giving him a funny look.

"Can we just..." Josh said, tilting his head in the direction of his office.

Donna shrugged and followed him. Once they were inside, Josh closed the door.

"Sit down," he directed when she just stood there. There was a time when she would have dropped casually into the visitor's chair, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Things were a little different now- ever since the ‘Cliff' episode. What they had now could only be termed a sort of casual formality. It had been that way for quite a while, and Josh still wasn't used to it. In fact he hated it. Especially after hearing what he'd heard today.

"So, what's wrong?" Donna asked, worry and curiosity causing her to break the silence in the room.

"I think maybe you should be the one to tell me that."

"Josh...I really don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean, I should tell you?"

Josh didn't answer right away. He got up from where he was sitting and started to pace around the room. Finally he turned to her and with a concerned look, asked, "Why are you waiting on test results from a doctor?"

"Doctor? Josh, what are you talking about?"

"Look, Donna - I know we don't ...well we haven't been... No matter what, I'm your friend and if something is wrong, well.. I'd like to think that you would tell me. Right?"

"Yeah...okay. But I still don't understand-"

"Come on, Donna! I got the call- the one that you were obviously waiting for. The reason you didn't want to leave. This guy called and started babbling something about how he had your test results from Dr. Anderson and that you needed to call him as soon as you got back-" Josh broke off, staring at Donna as she started laughing. "I fail to see anything funny about this- and what kind of a doctor gives your personal test results to someone else! I mean, doesn't he have any sense of confidentiality towards the people who come to see him."

"Well... there's not a whole lot of privacy involved once he posts them outside his office door."

Donna just couldn't resist that last remark, but as soon as she had, she almost wished she hadn't. Josh looked like he was about to have a stroke, if the look on his face was any indication. The poor thing was really worried about her.

"What?! That's it. You're not going back to that guy. We'll find you a reputable doctor to take care of you. This guy sounds unprofessional as hell- posting test results outside his office to anyone to read-"

"Josh..." Donna tried to interrupt him, but he just kept going on and on, until she finally got up and grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to look at her. "Josh, it really isn't that uncommon for college professors to post grades outside their office. Didn't they do that at Harvard and Yale?"

"College professor? What do you mean- you're not going...what are you telling me here, Donna?"

"I'm telling you that the ‘test results' that my friend called about was my mid-term grade in my International Relations course. The one I've been taking at Georgetown."

"Your class? You mean you're not sick? There's nothing wrong with you?"

"Nothing that twelve more hours in a day couldn't cure. Josh, you really should have known that if anything was seriously wrong that I'd tell you," Donna chided him gently, thinking how sweet it was that he had been so worried about her. She couldn't help but remember the things her grandmother had told her Christmas before last. Maybe she was right after all...

"Why would I assume that? I mean we haven't exactly been... I don't know. You didn't even tell me you'd gone back to school. How come?"

‘Well that's an excellent question' Donna thought, ‘How exactly will I answer that without saying way more than I want.'

"It's just a class or two a semester-"

"Since when?"

"Since right after we won re-election."

"You're kidding me!"

"Well.. No, I'm really not."

"You've been taking classes all this time and I've been totally oblivious? You've kept this secret from everyone? Why?"

"Well...not everyone. CJ knew."

"You told CJ? CJ, but not me... I see."

"Josh, I told CJ because...well I just did. I really didn't want anyone to know. It was just something I wanted to do, and in case...," she trailed off, not wanting to say that she didn't want everyone to know in case it didn't work out. Dropping out of college once was one thing- but twice... that was a bit much. She was going to finish this time if it killed her.

"In case it didn't work out. Okay, I guess I can accept that. You could have told me though. I mean- I could've helped. Not piled so much on you, or helped you study or something."

She couldn't get over the fact that he seemed a little hurt that she hadn't shared this with him. The fact was, it was pretty indicative of the way things had been between them since the whole Cliff/diary thing. She really wished they could return to the kind of familiarity and comfort that they had once shared. Maybe...maybe they were finally at that point.

"I've really been doing okay. Busy, sometimes incredibly so- but okay. All A's so far."

"Why doesn't that surprise me," he replied with a smile, then asked, "What's your major?"

"Political Science and Communications," she replied with a proud smile.

"Diversifying again, huh?" he teased.

"Funny boy," she retorted, thinking to herself that this was feeling nicely familiar.

"That's me...political science and communications? You're after Toby's job, huh?"

The funny thing was, when he said that, she knew they had reached the point where they could get back to the best part of the way they were with a whole new added dimension. The thought of that alone was enough to make her smile.

"Yeah. I thought I'd give it a whirl- see how I liked it."

"I'd love to see that. I don't know why you'd want to take a step down though..."

"Step down? What do you mean?" Donna asked, clearly confused.

"Well you've been training to take over my job for the last few years- I figured you were all ready to jump into my seat when I wasn't looking."

"Nope. I'm not pushy enough to do your job," she retorted with a wide grin.

"That's what you think."

They really were falling back into their groove, and it felt really good. So good, in fact, that she forgot all about the mid-term grade she had been fretting over.

"Oh my gosh! My grade! I forgot all about it. I have to call..."

"Here. Call him," Josh offered, sliding the phone over to her. There was a moment, when their eyes met, and for the first time in a long time, she could read what was there as clearly as she knew what was in her own mind. He wanted to share this with her. If it was good, he wanted to celebrate this victory with her- if not...well he didn't think that was a possibility. If that happened, he would be with her too.

Donna made the call and Josh knew from the way her eyes lit up that it was good news. Knowing her, probably another A. He couldn't believe she had ever been worried.

She put the phone down after a few minutes and turned to him with the happiest smile he had ever seen.

"I got an A!"

"I kinda' figured that. I guess you don't need my help studying," he said with a wry grin.

"Well...no. But I could use someone to celebrate with. How about taking me to dinner?" Donna said in a rush. She couldn't believe she'd actually asked him. In the second it took for him to answer, she had this feeling in the pit of her stomach like she'd just jumped off the Empire State building without a parachute.

"That sounds like a great idea. I'll even make the reservations," Josh replied, his grin showing off his dimples.

It turned out she hadn't needed a parachute after all. She just floated the rest of the way down, returning his smile with one of her own.

She left his office a little while later, happy that she had finally been able to take her grandmother's advice. They had finally gotten to the point where they could move past what had been, and on to what could be. Now, it was all up to them.

 

Donna sat back on the sofa, tucking her feet under her, and picked up her diary once again. She had finally decided which part of the past she would write about, that would lead her into this new part of her life. She smiled to herself, thinking how things never really work out like you plan, but always the way they are supposed to. 


	5. Looking Back 5

**Looking Back**

**by:** Brandy  


**Category/Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Written:** November 2001 **Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Josh and Donna belong to A. Sorkin and his merry band of followers.  
**Summary:** This is AU, but addresses events that happen in, " _On The Day Before_ ", and " _War Crimes_ ". Six years in the future. Donna looks back over the last six years, and the events that caused a turning point in her relationship with Josh .  
**Author Notes:** Special thanks go out to Mary Dell for the inspiration she gave me with her post-ep fic- "I've Got A Plan", and for allowing me to use certain events that she created. Thanks Mary, for getting me writing again! Extra Special Thanks go out to Shelley, for being there when I need her. For telling me what I need to hear, and doing what she does so well. YOU ROCK, SISTER!! 

* * *

Once Donna had decided on a place to start, the memories of that particular time hit her like a tidal wave, threatening to overwhelm her. Some of them were wonderful, others were...well, they were bittersweet. Taking a deep, steadying breath, she organized her swirling thoughts and began to write.

**Three and a half years ago...**

Over the last six months, Josh and Donna had been spending more and more time with each other away from work. At first, it was dinner after one of her classes, or a Sunday afternoon spent in quiet relaxation. It all progressed so naturally from there. It was as if they had started a long, drawn out courtship dance on the day they had met, and it was only know reaching it's culmination.

Only a few people knew that they had finally begun to act on the feelings they had shared for a very long time. CJ, of course, was one of the first to suspect, and she was quietly pleased for both of them. She knew how closely they were guarding their privacy in regards to their personal relationship, and she was sensitive to it. Sam knew as well. He had been Josh's friend for a long time, and over the last couple of years had begun to think of Donna just as fondly. It was wonderful to see two good friends find happiness with each other.

As far as most people were concerned, nothing was different between the two. Except for a brief period, during the investigation they had always spent a great deal of time together, and they had always had a unique way with each other. Only the careful observer could pick up on the undercurrents that existed between them. That and the fact that they both acknowledged and understood those undercurrents now. It was a necessary façade that they showed to the general public. One that was destined to crumble in the wake of ones overwhelming need for the other at a time of crisis.

They had been dating for close to six months when Donna received a call at work. She had been away from her desk and Bonnie had given her the message that her mother had called, and that it was extremely important to call her back. Donna had sighed wearily, thinking that this was to be yet another round in her ongoing argument with her mother regarding her grandmother. She really didn't look forward to having another discussion with her mother on this subject. Donna had talked to her grandmother last week and she had firmly stated her intention to stay in her house until she could no longer walk in and out of the door of her own volition. Donna had repeated the conversation to her mother- for all the good it did her. She was of the opinion that Donna was the only one with any influence over her grandmother and she simply wasn't trying hard enough.

Deciding the best thing to do was get the conversation over with, Donna dialed the number. The moment her mother answered, she knew this wasn't a continuation of their previous disagreement-something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

"Donna... you need to come home."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"It's your grandmother...she's had a stroke. It...it doesn't look good. Can you get here?"

"Oh, Mom...I can try. Is she...." Donna trailed off, unable to ask the question.

"It's not good. She...she was asking for you when she was still able."

The finality with which her mother said that rocked Donna right down to her bones.

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

Donna stood by her desk for a full five minutes, the phone still in her hand though the connection had already been broken. Josh came over to stand beside her, and taking the phone from her hand, he turned her to face him.

"What's wrong, Donna? What's happened?"

When she didn't say anything, merely staring at him with tear-filled eyes, Josh took her hand and brought her into his office. He got her to sit down in the visitor's chair, and repeated his question.

"My grandmother... she had a stroke. My mother said...she said it's bad, Josh." When she spoke those last three words, she looked into his eyes with such unbearable pleading that it practically tore Josh's heart out. He knew that look. It was very likely the same look he'd had on his face the night of the Illinois primary, when Donna told him his father was dead. He knew, because he had felt the same pleading in his own soul that night - pleading that it was a mistake, a cruel joke- anything but the truth. He also knew the need to have what may be your last moments with that person. To say those all important things, before it's too late. It was one of the greatest regrets of his life that he hadn't had the chance to have that with his father.

"You're going?" he asked, but they both knew it was more statement than question.

She nodded, the tears that she was trying so hard to keep at bay beginning to trail down her cheeks.

"I need to...," she trailed off, completely unable to think of what she needed to do first. Josh took her hand and pulled her into his arms.

"Don't worry- I'll take care of everything. Will you be okay here for a second?"

She nodded, and watched as he quickly left his office. When he returned a few moments later, he said, "Okay, we're all set. I've got three days- you've got as long as you need. I'm going to call now and get us on the first plane out."

Donna watched, thunderstruck, as Josh moved things around on his desk- no doubt looking for his phone book. She couldn't believe he was coming with her. She watched for a minute longer, and then came around the desk and took his hand. Her eyes were still shining with unshed tears, but his caring brought a smile to her face.

"Josh... you don't have to. I mean, I love it that you want to...but you don't have to."

It was a brave offer on her part, and she meant it. She could manage without him...but it would be wonderful to have his strength to back her up when she faced what was coming. She remembered the finality of her mother's words once more, and the chill the accompanied them.

"I lean on you all the time. Let me do this one thing," he said gently, letting her know with his eyes, and his tone, that he needed to be with her as much as she might need him.

"Okay...but I think I better make the reservations."

"Okay. Don't forget to put it on my card. Both tickets."

"Josh-," she began, getting ready to argue the point with him.

"What? You're going to pay for my ticket? I don't think so. As for yours- consider it part of that raise you're always asking for."

She gave him a look that said she didn't really agree, but she'd give him this one.

"You really are sweet sometimes."

"Yeah...I'll remind you of that the next time you want to hurt me with office equipment," he retorted, trying to lighten the mood a little. He knew Donna well enough to know that if he got all sweet and tender with her now, that it would just make it that much harder to get through the next few hours. He was rewarded with a little smile and a nod. She understood and appreciated what was beneath the words.

"You do that."

 

They arrived in Madison late that evening and went straight to the hospital. When they reached the waiting area outside the ICU, Donna saw her mother dozing in a chair. With a glance back at Josh, she walked over to her mother and knelt down beside her, touching her hand. Mrs. Moss woke with a start and then a sad smile curved the corners of her mouth as she pulled Donna into her arms.

Josh watched them from his place by the door. He knew Donna and her mother had their problems, so he was happy to see them come together in support of each other. Even if it was only for just this moment, he knew they both needed it. He watched as they drew apart, and then Mrs. Moss noticed his presence.

"Well.. This is a surprise. Hello, Mr. Lyman."

"Josh- please. I hope you don't mind me coming with Donna."

"No. I'm sure Donna's glad to have you with her," she replied. Josh felt that although her words were polite enough, there was a definite chill to them. He wasn't exactly sure what this woman had against him, but he knew that now was no time to try to figure it out. Donna sensed her mother's disapproval over Josh's being there, and decided the best thing to do was divert her attention.

"Mom, how's Grandma?"

"She's just hanging on. The stroke wasn't the worst of it. She had a heart attack right before...It's just too much for her poor old body to stand. If only..." Mrs. Moss trailed off, but Donna could hear the words she wasn't saying. If only Grandma had been in that retirement home that her mother wanted her in. If only Donna had convinced her...

Donna couldn't think about that now. She hated that this had happened, but Grandma would have hated to have been uprooted from her home, and all the things she loved.

"I want to see her, Mom."

With a deep sigh, her mother collected herself and Donna could feel her slip back into her usual, stiff, no nonsense manner.

"She may not know you're there, Donnatella. She's only had a few moments when she was able to speak, and only a few words when she did. You need to prepare yourself for that."

"I understand that. But she asked for me," Donna replied, rising to stand in front of her mother. She didn't bother to say that even if her grandmother hadn't asked for her she would want to be by her side.

"Alright."

Donna walked over to where Josh stood, taking his hand.

"I'm going in to see her now."

"Do you want me to wait here?"

"Yes...no- I want... wait here a minute," Donna said and walked down the hall in the direction of the nurses station that was just inside the ICU area. He watched as she singled out the head nurse on duty and began to speak to her. He could tell from her body language that she was trying her best to convince the woman of something. He became even more curious when he saw the nurse look pointedly in his direction. Whatever it was that Donna was asking for, she got. He saw the nurse shrug, then nod with a slight smile. Donna walked back to where he stood, looking a little better than she had since they arrived.

"Come on. You're going in with me."

"What? I thought it was family only."

" You're my fiancé." That stopped Josh dead in his tracks.

"Your what?!"

"Shhh! You heard me. My fiancé"

"I think you better explain."

Donna sighed heavily and turned to him, whispering intently so that they wouldn't be overheard.

"The last time I spoke to my grandmother she said she wanted to meet you. She told me she expected me to arrange that sooner or later."

"Okay, but-"

"Just listen, Josh."

"You're here, and we may not get another ch-... I just want her to meet you. I had to tell the nurse you were my fiancé in order to get her to let you come in with me. It was a little bit of a struggle, but it was the only way she would agree. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Josh said with a tender smile, reaching out to caress her cheek. "Come on- we're wasting time standing here. Let's go see your grandma."

Donna returned his smile and wasn't surprised when he put his arm around her waist as they walked into her grandmother's room. The minute Donna saw her lying there, so fragile and vulnerable, she stopped cold. She felt Josh stop behind her, putting his hands on her shoulders. They stood there for a moment and Donna closed her eyes, drawing from the well of strength that he was offering.

"I'm right here," he said, and she knew that his words meant so much beyond the obvious. She looked over her shoulder and gave him a smile, then walked over to her grandmother's bedside. She took a seat in the chair beside the bed and took Grandma's hand.

Josh stood just inside he door, watching them for what seemed the longest time. He couldn't help but see traces of Donna in her grandmother's face, and wondered if she was also the source of so many other thing he loved about Donna. He wished he had been able to meet her under different circumstances, and wondered what she would think of him, if she had.

Just as he was thinking that the remainder of their time there would be spent in silent vigil, he heard raspy, slightly slurred words coming from the woman in the bed.

"Stop cryin' chil."

Donna's head jerked up and she obediently wiped away her tears, giving her grandmother a wide smile.

"Hi, Grandma."

"Who's 'at?" Grandma asked, her gaze traveling from Donna to where Josh stood, by the door. Donna turned slightly and held out her hand to him in invitation. He walked over and stood next to Donna, taking the hand that wasn't holding on to the older woman's hand.

"This is Josh, Grandma. I told you I'd bring him to along to meet you someday." As she said the words, Donna had to choke down the urge to cry over the fact that she had almost waited too long. Her grandmother, while physically diminished, was as sharp as ever, and saw what Donna was thinking like it was written out in front of her. Instead of making an issue of it with Donna, she turned her attention to Josh. She regarded him with keen eyes- eyes that were the mirror image of Donna's. It was oddly comforting to be regarded so carefully under such familiar eyes. It was almost as if he was seeing his future in her eyes. The thought made him smile, and when he did, her grandmother echoed it. Whatever test he had just been subjected to, he had a feeling he had passed.

"You love 'er?" Grandma asked.

"Yes ma'am."

"Good...never stop."

"I won't. I promise."

Grandma smiled a little. Due to the stroke, it was a lopsided expression, but Josh noticed it was a little like the ones he'd seen on Donna's face from time to time. Sort of like when she was smiling despite herself. Grandma's next words verified the feeling. Her gaze took in the both of them and she shook her head a little.

"Took ya' long 'nuff."

This elicited wide grins from both Josh and Donna.

"Yes ma'am. You're right about that," Josh said, laughter lacing his words. "Better late than never though," he added with one of his patented Lyman grins- dimples and all. Donna knew right then that she wasn't the only woman in her family susceptible to the Lyman brand of charm.

Just then the nurse came in, all brisk efficiency and smiles.

"Well, Mrs. Zachary. It looks like you've had a very nice visit with your granddaughter and her fiancée. I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut it short though. It is late and you need your rest." Looking at Josh and Donna as she made that last, very firm comment. None of the three were paying much attention to the nurse as she bustled around the room. Josh and Donna had matching, slightly guilty expressions on their faces. Donna's grandmother was looking at the pair intently and they both saw her lips twitch ever so slightly in amusement.

"Could we have just a minute more?" Josh asked, his dimpled smile directed at the nurse. She hesitated for just a second then nodded. "Just a minute or two- then you really must leave."

They agreed, and as soon as she left the room, Donna launched into an explanation of how she had to tell the nurse that she and Josh were engaged so that she would let him into the ICU. Grandma waved her explanations off, and said she knew it all along,

"How?" Donna asked.

"Lousy liars," her grandmother said, with a little snort.

"Only to the women in this family, it seems," Josh replied, laughing a little. He received another lop-side smile for that. "I'm going to step out and give you and Donna a minute alone. It was a great pleasure to meet you ma'am," Josh said, leaning over her unaffected side to give the older woman a light kiss on the cheek. Before he could move away, Grandma grabbed a collar of his jacket, keeping him close. "'member your promise," she whispered, and then released her hold. Their eyes met and held, and Josh nodded.

"Always," he whispered and then giving Donna a quick kiss on the cheek, he told her he would wait for her by the nurses station. She watched as he walked out, then turned back to her grandmother.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothin'. I like 'im"

"So do I, Grandma. Even when he's a pain in the backside, I still love him."

"You foun' your one."

"Oh yes, Grandma. He is most definitely the one."

"Good, an' you're his."

Donna knew that her grandmother wasn't asking her, she was telling her. She also could tell that her energy was dwindling and it was time to say goodnight. She just hoped it wasn't goodbye- not yet. 

 

Donna closed the diary and wiped away the tears that had fallen as she  
wrote. She glanced at the clock and knew that her time of quiet  
introspection was drawing to a close. Soon the others would arrive and she  
wouldn't have any time for looking back. At least not tonight. One more cup  
of tea, and she would finish the task of stapling the past and the present  
together.


	6. Looking Back 6

**Looking Back**

**by:** Brandy  


**Category/Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Written:** November 2001 **Rating:** TEEN  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Josh and Donna belong to A. Sorkin and his merry band of followers.  
**Summary:** This is AU, but addresses events that happen in, " _On The Day Before_ ", and " _War Crimes_ ". Six years in the future. Donna looks back over the last six years, and the events that caused a turning point in her relationship with Josh .  
**Author Notes:** Special thanks go out to Mary Dell for the inspiration she gave me with her post-ep fic- "I've Got A Plan", and for allowing me to use certain events that she created. Thanks Mary, for getting me writing again! Extra Special Thanks go out to Shelley, for being there when I need her. For telling me what I need to hear, and doing what she does so well. YOU ROCK, SISTER!! 

* * *

Donna returned to the sofa with her tea and picked up her diary for the final time that evening. She was trying to decide where exactly to pick up the story, but it really was very obvious. It was when her little fabrication blew up in her face. 

**Three and a half years ago...**

After seeing her grandmother, Donna and Josh had decided to check into a hotel in town rather than accept her mother's invitation. Even to Donna it hadn't felt like a very genuine invitation, so it really wasn't that hard of a decision to make. They got two rooms- mostly for the sake of appearance, but Donna spent the rest of the evening wrapped in Josh's arms. It was close to dawn before she was able to get any sleep, and Josh hadn't fared much better. Donna would doze, then wake with the overwhelming desire to go back to the hospital. Josh would talk to her for a little while, and she would decide to wait until morning to see her grandmother. This happened at least twice during the night, resulting in very little sleep for either of them.

They managed to sleep until nine. When Donna woke that time, Josh decided it was the best they were going to do sleep-wise, and got up with her. He drew the line at going straight to the hospital though.

"We're going to go downstairs and have a nice nutritious breakfast in the restaurant."

"Hello- who are you, and what have you done with Josh Lyman? Nutritious? Your idea of a nutritious breakfast is Cocoa Puffs."

"Hey, don't knock Cocoa Puffs- they've been the start of many a productive day."

"Yes- if your goal is a kinetic sugar high. Besides- they have a cafeteria at the hospital. We can eat there," Donna offered in compromise.

"No, no, no. I had enough hospital food to last me a lifetime when I was forced to eat it," Josh said, playing the ‘I was shot and almost died- haven't I suffered enough' card.

Donna gave him a pointed look, and finally threw her hands up in surrender.

"Fine- we'll have it your way. Come on."

"Why, thank you, Donnatella. I'd love to join you for breakfast," Josh replied, brushing her cheek with a kiss as he walked to the door.

She rolled her eyes in mock disgust and followed muttering, "That's not always going to work for you, Joshua."

"Worked like a charm this time, though- didn't it?" he retorted with a grin as he took her hand. ‘The man really is shameless', she thought. But she decided she really couldn't be mad at him because of it. She knew he had done it for her benefit. 

They were in the middle of breakfast when Donna looked over Josh's shoulder and saw her mother walking towards them. She did not look happy. In fact, she looked mad as hell.

"Donnatella Moss, I know that we aren't as close as some mothers and daughters, but I would like to think that if there was an important event in my daughter's life that I would hear it from her and not some stranger!"

"Mom, what on earth are you talking about? What important event?" Donna asked, but as soon as the words were out of her mouth she had this awful, sinking feeling that she knew exactly what her mother was on a rampage about.

"I see! You're going to deny it even now. I suppose I should go back and ask that nurse exactly when my daughter plans to marry Josh Lyman!" This was delivered in a voice that carried to every corner of the dining room.

"Mom, sit down please, and lower your voice."

"Why should I? Are you saying that I'm not the last to know? You mean that there are other people who are uninformed about my daughters engagement to the President's deputy chief of staff?

During this little exchange, Josh was largely ignored by Mrs. Moss, so he merely sat and watched It was with the same kind of fascination that he supposed people had when they watched train wrecks.

"Mother! Sit down- people will hear you!" It was at this moment that Josh chose to enter the conversation.

"Actually- I think the horse is pretty much out of the barn on that one." He illustrated his observation by directing their attention to the rapt stares of their fellow diners. He really couldn't blame them. Who knew you could get dinner theatre with your breakfast? The look on Mrs. Moss face was priceless. If it was at all possible for someone to die of mortification, she was about to.

"Maybe we should take this upstairs?" Josh suggested They both nodded their agreement and followed him out of the dining room.

 

Once they were upstairs, Donna explained how their little prevarication had started- the necessary lie to the nurse. Mrs. Moss still didn't understand why it had been so important for Josh to accompany her to her grandmother's room. Donna was about to explain that her grandmother had explicitly asked to meet him, when Josh spoke up.

"The reason it was so important is... just because the engagement wasn't the truth when we said it, doesn't mean it's not going to be the truth someday."

"Really? Just when did you decide that Mr. Lyman?" Mrs. Moss asked in scathing tones.

"Pardon?"

"You heard me! You've been stringing my daughter along for years and now you decide to offer her the promise of something permanent? I'll believe it when I see it."

Josh was rendered speechless by Mrs. Moss's apparently low opinion of him. He was trying to figure out what to say to her when Donna spoke.

"Mom, that's enough. I understand that you were thrown when you heard about our supposed engagement, but that doesn't give you the right to bring the roof down on Josh's head. He's done nothing to provoke this little tirade of yours. He came here to be supportive to me. Whatever ideas you have in your head about his treatment of me, and promises you think he should be making, are yours and yours alone. Now... I'm going to the hospital and visit with Grandma. You can join me or not, as you please. This discussion is over."

Donna walked over to the door, picking up her purse along the way. She paused at the door and looked back at Josh. "You coming?"

"Yeah."

They walked outside, and Josh was about to shut the door when Donna stopped him.

"Just wait here for a minute."

"Okay."

Donna walked back into the room and shut the door. Her mother was still standing in the middle of the room. She looked almost lost, and Donna felt a fleeting shadow of guilt over the way she had talked to her. She brushed the feeling aside, and taking a deep breath, said what she knew needed to be said.

"You know, Mom, one of these days you're going to have to recognize the fact that I'm not a naive college girl anymore. I worked very hard to get past being the kind of person who gets used and taken advantage of. Do you know what Josh calls him?"

"What?"

"Dr. Free-ride." Donna saw the slight twitch of her mother's lips that indicated the smile she was trying to suppress.

"That little name really used to annoy me. Then one day I realized that the only reason he referred to him that way was to underline how wrong he was to treat me the way he did. Also to further separate him from the rest of the male population that don't treat women that way. Josh is not like him in any way. It's time you realized I'm intelligent enough not to make the same mistake twice."

She watched her as her mother digested this, and when she looked at Donna she smiled slightly and nodded.

"I'll try to remember that. Now- let's go see your grandmother."

Donna smiled and agreed. They walked out of the room together, a tentative bridge of understanding having been forged between them.

 

Josh had stayed as long as he could, and during the last day he was there Donna's grandmother started to show slow but steady signs of improvement. What had at first looked like a dire situation, had amazingly taken a turn for the better. On the third day Josh left with regret, but without the worry that Donna would have to face the worst without him. He had a chance to visit with Grandma twice more before he left, and even though she still wasn't up to a lot of conversation, he felt he got to know her a little better each time. She really was a grand old lady.

When Josh arrived back in D.C, he went straight to the west wing. Although he had kept in constant contact while he was gone, he knew there would be things that would need his attention. He was a little surprised to find CJ lurking around his office when he got there. She followed him inside and took a seat, propping her feet up on his desk.

"Hey there- how's Donna's grandmother?"

"She's looking a lot better. Turns out she's a lot tougher than anyone thought," he said with a smile, thinking that was just one more thing that she and Donna shared.

"That's really great. I guess you guys have two things to celebrate then," CJ observed, sliding a newspaper across his desk. Josh picked it up and saw a small mention, circled in CJ's red pen, regarding a rumored engagement between White House employees, Josh Lyman and Donna Moss. Josh looked from the newspaper to the expression on CJ's face.

"Is this going to be a thing?"

"Is it true?"

"Not really."

"What does ‘not really' mean? Either you are or you aren't."

"We aren't...yet," Josh responded with a smirk.

"Then how did this happen?" CJ asked, gesturing towards the newspaper.

"Donna wanted me to meet her grandmother, and she was in ICU. It's family only... you connect the dots."

"So someone at the hospital talked to the papers?"

"Maybe. It's more likely that someone witnessed the meltdown that Donna's mother had in the hotel restaurant, and mentioned it to a reporter in town."

"Her mother had a meltdown? I'm intrigued. Please go on."

Josh explained how her mother had found out about the engagement, and recounted the little episode in the restaurant, and later in their room.

"I don't think she likes me very much," Josh stated with a look that suggested he didn't care all that much. "Grandma likes me, though."

"Well... the poor woman's ill. Her judgment is probably clouded," CJ retorted sarcastically.

"You know- to listen to you, someone might get the impression that you don't like me either."

"Hey, I like you fine. But Donna's not here, and someone has to keep you in check," CJ teased.

"And when she is here?"

"Oh, I just do it for fun," CJ replied, breaking out in a wide grin.

Josh gave her a look that said she was just too funny, then glancing at the paper asked her again.

"So, really- is this going to cause problems?"

"Nope. I just wanted to know the truth. As far as the White House is concerned it's a non-story. We neither confirm nor deny since we don't comment on the personal lives of blah-blah-blah..."

"Okay." CJ had walked over to the door and was just about to leave.

"You are going to ask her eventually, aren't you?"

Josh gave her a smile and replied, "What do you think?"

"I think you need to stop wasting time', CJ replied pointedly as she left.

 

Donna returned to D.C a week after Josh. Her grandmother had improved beyond any of their expectations, and had been moved out of intensive care and into a regular room before Donna left. Her heart condition would be regulated with medication and she would have to do physical and speech therapy to counteract the effects of the stroke, but she was expected to make a full recovery. It was wonderful news for both of them, but Josh had his own reasons for wanting her speedy recovery. He was planning on asking Donna to marry him, and he wanted her grandmother to be able to attend. 

 

As it turned out, the opportunity to propose didn't really present itself until February, more than six months since their premature engagement had been reported in the papers. Josh chose, of all possible dates, the anniversary that he had only recently started to recognize. This year, when the flowers arrived, instead of forget-me-nots, it was a gorgeous bouquet of sterling roses. The card that was attached asked her to join him at his house for dinner that evening.

They were married in May. She had just received her bachelors degree and was already making plans to start working on her masters. Her family, Grandma included, had flown in for the simple, private ceremony they had arranged.

It was a wonderful time for them, and all of their friends who were overjoyed to finally have a reason to celebrate the arrival of a month that had previously signaled so much pain and grief. They were coming to a crossroads in their lives- the days where they would all be together were rapidly drawing to a close. They were all so incredibly happy to be able to be together for this moment- a moment they knew was destined right from the beginning.

 

Donna closed the diary with a smile of satisfaction. The job of catching up was done. The next entries would be about this newest chapter, this new adventure that they were about to embark on. She had just sat the diary aside when she heard the key in the door. She turned to see Josh come into the living room, tossing his backpack in a corner.

"How's my beautiful wife?"

"She's just fine, thank you. She is, however, a little confused. Where are Sam and CJ?"

"Sam blew us off for a woman. Caroline just got back to town, and he, of course, forgot all about us."

"Caroline, huh?" Donna said, wrinkling her nose ever so slightly.

"Don't start, Donna. Sam's a big boy- he's got to learn like the rest of us," Josh said, settling down next to her on the sofa, pulling her feet into his lap.

"She's not the one. There's no...sparkle there."

"You don't think anyone's good enough for Sam. If I was a jealous man, I'd be worried."

Donna rolled her eyes and snorted, "Yep- I'm a regular femme fatale right now. I can just see myself ensnaring men in my trap, with my belly and swollen ankles."

"You can ensnare me anytime you want," Josh replied, giving her his best leering grin, and moving closer to get a kiss. She pushed him away, laughing playfully.

"You! You're the one who did this to me."

Josh made his best pitiful, rejected husband face, which Donna promptly laughed at.

"So, Sam's been explained, what about CJ?"

"CJ had a business meeting. She's being courted by some big New York P.R firm."

"Hmmm... I bet she won't take it."

"Why not?" Josh asked.

"Because it's not as much fun as politics. She likes working the press too much. Besides, she can hardly be a long distance godmother."

"Yes she can. Those are the best kind- they send good guilt presents."

"Those are nice values to teach our son," Donna chided.

"Daughter."

"Son."

"We'll see."

"Yes, we will. In about four months."

Just then Josh noticed the book lying on the coffee table.

"Is that what I think it is?"

Donna followed his gaze to her diary, and then looked back at him.

"I figured it was time to put the past where it belonged, and start new."

"Yeah, I guess. You look like you've been thinking about the past a lot tonight though. Am I right?"

"I decided it would be a good way to start. Filling in all those spaces- all the stuff that got us here. Don't you think?"

"You'd have to go all the way back to the beginning. When we first met."

"No way. You had no idea then that we'd end up together."

"Yeah I did- I just didn't know it knew it."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Yes it does. My heart knew- even if I was too stubborn and blind to see it. We were each others ‘one'."

Donna turned to him then with happy tears in her eyes, and pulled him into her embrace. All the while he was making half-hearted protests about her getting all emotional, he was thanking his lucky stars that he had eventually listened to his heart...and that he hadn't waited until it was too late.

 

Zachary Josiah Lyman was born on February twenty-fifth and immediately became the joy of his parents lives. He was the beginning of a whole new chapter - one filled with hope, promise, and enduring love. 


End file.
